The desire of my heart for as long as I can remember has been to become a wife and mother. I am both of these and I praise the Lord for that. Unfortunately, the past few weeks I have felt that I would much rather just be a wife. Don't get me wrong. I love Matty and believe him to be the most adorable baby that has ever been born (the right of every mother to believe) but nights of no sleep, days filled with fussing and unhappiness has only lead me to wanting to have my days back to get things done and my nights back to sleep ( can anyone say 'selfish'?). Im up at 3 and 4 and 5 and then decide by 6 that it is just time to get up and start the day. I drudge through all of my tasks in a fog, as though there is some film over my life that just isnt letting me see everything the way it is. I want to curl up and sleep, I want to cry, I want to play with my fussy child to make him happy but can't find the energy.
I love Matty and would never trade my situation for the world. I'm just stuck in a rut. It feels like a deep one. Will he ever sleep through the night, will this fussy faze that can only be remedied by being held or being on the breast ever stop? Do I even have enough milk for this child? Maybe he is hungry and me feeding him every hour like he seems to want isnt actually feeding him at all. He can't use a bottle, he wont take a soother, we introduced cereal to him and it seemed to cause him pain and irritation. There really isn't anything else to do but to persevere.
Ha, Im sitting here with Matty on my lap and he is sucking on the table. He brings me so mcuh joy as well as these momentary difficulties. For the time being, I guess I sleep while he sleeps and wake when he wakes. Feed him as often as I can since he will ALWAYS take it and hope this stage ends soon.
I feel guilty feeling this way. My situation is really wonderful. Two fantastic men to love and who love me. The ability to stay home and be a mom rather than a 'working woman'...I'm blessed beyond anything I could imagine.
The Journey from a Single Woman to a Wife and Mother
4 comments:
Kate-
When he sleeps during the day, unplug the phone and lock the door. Sleep.
As for nighttime, do you think it's time to try camping out in the livingroom for a few nights to let him cry it out in the bedroom? Not sure if that's a philosophy you adhere to...
If you are at wits end, bring him to me, or someone in town, and go to Chapters for 3 hours. Ok?
Love you, Jo
Oh Kate...I have heard my sisters say similar things!!! I know I have only these next 7 months and then I'll be in those same shoes:)
Kate-
I think that one thing as mothers we sometimes forget, is the sacrificial nature of motherhood: it is not a natural thing to be selfless or other-oriented. We become that way with children, because we have to be. Their very lives depend on it. But it is most unnatural for us. That is where we all identify with one another. And pray for each other. That we would have grace simply for the day ahead. Just enough for the night ahead. Just enough patience for the next 12 hours. I pray continually through my day. Not out of righteousness, but because I am SO easily catapulted into my little me-world. It is hard to give daily and hourly. Has nothing to do with love. But just a really, really hard calling. I am glad you are young starting out. These lessons in life are easier the younger we are, so older people in my life tell me:).
Cheering you on!!!
Maryanne
Kate,
I just re read this after having a 4 am wake up...not one nap yesterday from 9am-10pm...and all i can think is...I want to be just me and Justin again. I am so glad to have found this post. I just happened to click on Jan and this is what I found...odd that I am encouraged by your being discouraged but it's good to know that I am not the only one in the world who has felt this way:) Glad to know Matty sleeps now...there is hope.
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