Calm In the Storm

I've mentioned, Im sure, how Levi has been a challenging baby (the whole 4 weeks of his little life). He is always screaming and I find my little bit of patience is very quick to disappear. I never thought I could want to give up on a baby but I find that when there is a constant scream in my ear and nothing in my power can make it stop, I want to just put Levi down, close the door and find a quiet place to sit and cry.

This is what Levi looks like most of the time. So sad eh?

Yesterday, however, was almost a miracle. Levi barely cried at all for the entire day. He fed well and didnt cry afterward, he was able to fill his diapers a few times which kept him happy and he napped like I havent seen him do yet. He continued to struggle with reflux ( I hear it gurgle and him gulp then make a funny face) but it didnt cause him too much pain on this occasion.

Levi at 2 1/2 weeks old

Dave and I just wanted to soak in his happiness. I could hold him and feel relaxed and just look at him looking at me. No pain, no writhing, I didnt have to pace around the house trying to calm him. It was so nice. It was like having a Matthew baby (super easy!)

I thought I should enjoy it while it lasted since my pesimism told me it was likely just a nice break. And it was just a break but one that was greatly needed and appreciated. Its currently 5 am and I have been awake since 4. Levi wasnt screaming but he couldnt breathe. See, the poor kid is either dealing with gas, reflux or (now) a cold. He coughs and sneezes and struggles to breathe unless he is proped right up. So, I am holding him upright on my chest as I type this post. He is sleeping soundly and I am not stressed. The screaming seems to be what brings the panic for me.

I am not fully healed yet. I decided yesterday that every time I was itchy and wanted to scream that I just had to tell myself: "you will be better, this will end. You can get through this." I have to say, it hasnt really been working. I cant breathe away the discomfort that I feel like I could with the pain in labour. I can't just sit in water since when does a mother of two really have time to do something like that? There is no medication that I can use to make it all go away. And so, I am stuck dealing with what every post partum mom experiences for some period of time... the itch.

When I feel it subside, I can sleep again, I can face the rest of my tasks, I can live... but otherwise, I can think of nothing else but how uncomfortable I am. It effects my marriage (I have no patience for anything and always want to complain), it effects my mothering (when I dont feel itch I just dont want to move because I fear it will all just come back again), it effects my sanity (I cant seem to get it off of my mind). Itching is absolutely terrible.

So, right now, I am sitting in front of my computer at 5:15 am and I am in a calm. The storm is still all around me but God has given me a bit of a break. I had almost a complete day scream free and my husband was home the whole time to be a support for me. I have been awake for an hour already but for some reason I am feeling ok. I am sure in another few hours, once Matty is awake and Dave leaves for work, I will not be feeling so hot. I will want to get some sleep that I wont have the time for and I will have two babies needing my constant attention and I will get itchy and need to fight off the desire to scratch myself until I bleed. But for now, I am calm, relaxed and enjoying the little bundle that is breathing so loudly in my arms. Thank you, Lord, for blessing us with this calm.