Peace

Vision one: Matty is in his bed, asleep. I check on him but I see blood. It is everywhere. He is no longer sleeping but he is dead. I didnt notice and now it is too late. I call 911 but there is nothing left. No hope of saving his precious life. It is all my fault. He shouldn't have gone to bed with the ballon on a stick in his room.

Vision two: Levi is playin in his excersaucer. He is happy then it goes silent. Matty is playing happily. I walk in to the livingroom from the adjoining room and Levi is passed out, chocked on a marble. He is dead. 911. No hope. Why didnt I clean up the marbles better?

Vision three: Same as above but Matty is the one who chokes in his bed.

Vision four: Someone has broken into my house without me noticing and stollen my babies out from under my nose. How didnt I notice.

This is my mind these days. I am still awake when all of these visions present themselves. I am unable to feel any peace. I constantly feel like I must chek on my little ones to make sure they are still with me.

I am not an anxious person and yet these are my thoughts. Where do they come from? I honestly dont know.

"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you." 2 Thess. 3:16

" You will keep in perfect peace him whosemind is steadfast, becasue he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts" Colossians 3:15

I have been far from God. I have let my life of outtings, cleaning, cooking and child rearing be an excuse to not have time for God. Is there any wonder why I dont have peace? I have not been relying on the source of peace.

Forgive me Lord. Fill me with your peace and remove these horrible visions.

I just want to cry. The thought of losing one of my babies... terrifying. I know they are gifts to me that I am to care for but they dont belong to me. I remind myself that fearing for them wont help. Teach them, guide them in the way they should go, make the best choices you can in the moment. But I can't live a life of fear and worry.

My own lack of obedience to God is what is causing my lack of peace. Not being in his word and dwelling on His commands and talking to him through out the day keeps me from being with Him and He is my peace.

It is so easy to run away with our lives and forget who it is who has given it to us. Again Lord, forgive me. Teach me to be every more obedient and fill me with your peace.

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It Is Well With My Soul

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.