Fighting My Thoughts

Today the Lord answered a prayer of mine. A plead really. I had a doctors appointment and I just prayed that there would be someone who would be able to see me and figure out what is going on with my body. Why Am I so uncomfortable? Why wont it get better? How will I function? What more can I do?

I entered the clinic and was honest with the nurse:

"Hey Katie, How are you?"
"Honestly, pretty miserable. This is the worst pregnancy ever."
" You are still itchy?"
"Yup, everywhere!"
"The rash on your neck, it looks worse"
"Ya"
"Ill be right back"

Off she went and quickly returned with the report that I was going to quickly get changed into a robe because they just happened to have a dermotology expert at the clinic today and she was going to come and have a look. Afterwards I would have my regular appointment to check on baby.

"Wow, Lord, thank you!"

In she walked with two other doctors and began to examine.

" Wow! Is that ever irritated and so inflamed."

Thanks, like I hadn't noticed.

Anyways, she had the other doctors give their opinion and set to work on a plan. Prednizone it is. I am now on a steroid for 5 days to see if it can remove inflamation and some irritation so that the doctor can see better what might be going on. Do I have an answer? No not yet. Is there hope? YES!!! Someone is going to be figuring it out.

One of the possibilities is that I have Puppps that has just gotten much worse with each pregnancy and spread. It means in all following pregnancies it will be worse still. There are also other possibilities that there is an infection or some other factor... I guess I wont really know until this trial medication has its go on my body.

My evenings are spent bathing and drying and cleaning and attempting to get my mind ready for sleep.

"Dont think about it katie, sleep will come if it comes. Dont think about itchy skin or long dark nights without rest. Dont panic about trying to raise two really busy boys with no sleep. Just live life one moment at a time."

I spend my sleepless nights jumping from various posts. Read my bible, pray, have another bath, get a movie going while on the couch, do laundry, tidy messy spots... You name it, I do it if I can.

My mind wants to go into angry and desperate state. "Why is this happening to me? what purpose does it have? Have I done something to deserve it?" But then I remember that this is a light and momentary trouble. That this is but a fleeting moment in a much bigger picture. That God is my strength and with Him I can get through this, and only with him.

My mentality has shifted a bit. About motherhood, that is. I just cant do it all. I liked having my little ones so close together but with this health issue my life is falling apart. I cant function for my family. What I need to do is rest. Give my body a rest for a change. I catch myself getting upset with the thought of slowing down. Silly right? Then I think of what a blessing it will be to have my three boys and husband to myself for a few years. Getting back in tune with my healthy body. Not growing another little one inside and having hormones raging all over the place... at least for a time. Then if God wishes to bless me with another one down the road, we will rejoice.

Sometimes I fear that planning to not have a baby is bad. I know it isnt. I know I need it. Its just something I have to keep giving to God. He knows what I can handle and what is best. I just keep praying he lays on my heart the exact right thing for me.

Until then, every moment at a time. Praying thoughout it all for strength and patience (two things I feel I lack in abundance these days). I pray for a tongue that will be held when I feel like I could scream out of frustration and fatigue. I think God is really trying to work that fruit of the Spirit into me. Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Goodness, Kindness, Gentleness, Self Control. I see how this trial is teaching me to ask for them all daily. I can't do it without His strength filling me and pushing me forward to accept them.

God has a purpose. I am his child and he is not doing this to harm me or cause me to stumble but instead to strengten me. Please pray with me that I can remember that. That daily, in every moment I see that God is good and is growing me through this trial. He is my loving Father and he works things for his good.