October TBR and Reading Challenge

    Today has been a very hard day. I feel completely drained of all emotion and energy. Guess what I usually like to do when I am having a hard time? I like to participate in what we call escapism. I usually do this by getting into a new book and not leaving it until I feel better. However, this time I am not permitting myself this negative habit. Instead I am allowing grief and sorrow to work itself out in a healthier way and simply finding quiet time here and there to sneak in some reading.

    This month, one of my favourite booktubers has a fun readathon to participate. It has been my guide to which books I'll pull off my shelf to read this month.   

    Each prompt that she gives can be done either physically while reading any book or by reading a book that somehow fits the prompt. This sort of thing just made me get so excited. I went to my shelf and found what I felt like might just be the perfect pile for this month.

Rainy day: The Thursday Murder Club- Richard Osman

    I chose this one so I could enjoy the humor while listening to the rain falling outside. It has nothing to     do with rain as far as I know. 

Fireplace: The Splendor Before Dark- Margaret George

    This is all about Nero and we all know what he did with fire.

With a blanket: Little Black Book- Kate Carlisle

    This book has a blanket on the cover and is a cozy mystery so both things work for this prompt.

Under the trees: The Giver- Lois Lowry

    The cover of this book has tree branches all over it.

Fresh baking: A Killer Edition- Lorna Barrett

    The cover is plastered in fresh baking in a kitchen.

In the dark: Shadow and Bone- Leigh Bardugo

    The word shadow refers to darkness.

On a hike: Welcome Home- Travels in smalltown Canada- Stuart McLean

    A travelling book is much like a hike.

Drinking tea: Emma- a modern retelling- Alexander McCall Smith

    In the British classic tradition they always drank tea. I also have been enjoying a lovely tea while           reading this one.

Of course these are subject to change but this is the plan for this months reading.
How about you? Looking forward to any good books this month? 

A Miracle and A Curse

 On September 27th I had the joy of becoming a great aunt to a beautiful little baby girl. I'm a 40 year old GREAT AUNT! But what made this day even more spectacular was the amount of prayer that was offered up and the tears that were shed when month after month there remained an empty womb. 

    This little lady's arrival felt like a miracle. A gift given that felt like it might be impossible. And so when we learned of her conception we covered her in prayers of thankfulness and joy until the day we had the honour to hold her in our arms and see her precious face and feel her little breaths against our skin.   

    On the 28th (our 17th wedding anniversary and this lovely ladies second day) I got to hold her close and marvel at Gods amazing grace in forming her in her mothers womb until the right time.

    Yet as the title suggests, this wasn't where my day ended. What began as a day of celebration and joy ended with a reminder of the curse. What curse? you may ask. The curse of death. The 28th was when God called for the delivery of another baby. One that we were all eagerly anticipating. A fifth daughter to join her older 4 sisters. Then the message arrived that something was wrong and to pray for life. I knelt, I cried, I pleaded, I prostrated for this little lady's life. Then news arrived. God had called this little one to himself. She was not to remain here on this earth with her family.

    I held my one day old great niece in the afternoon and in the evening of the same day I learned of another life, just a day behind, that was called to an end on the day of her birth.

    It can be a whip lash of sorts to hold a miracle in your arms one minute and then to hear of another miracle that you will never get to hold because she has been taken to her real and eternal home. Death remains a curse to us here on earth until Christ returns. Because of the first Bad Day in the garden when Adam and Eve chose to take control and stop trusting God, we will forever be plagued by this curse. Each one of us will be touched by it - we will likely all taste it ourselves.  

    Death is a  curse but it isn't the end. After the curse came, a promise arrived swiftly on its heels. This curse would not have the victory. Instead Jesus, the Saviour, would come and take the curse upon himself. He would carry the weight of all our sin on his perfect self and triumph over it. He rose victorious over death for us. We no longer have to look at death with fear and trembling but instead with confidence that death is only the beginning of our eternal life with God.  

Jesus told her, "I am the resurrection and the life, whoever believes in me, even if he dies, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die." John 11:25

Although we live in a broken world where we suffer and feel so much pain, we also live with so much hope if we trust in God. We have a Saviour who has promised us eternal life with him. An eternity without any pain, suffering or tears. All he asks is that we set our eyes on Him.    

"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him." 1 Thess. 4:13

    A precious baby girl was taken home to her Heavenly Father before her first breath. My heart is broken and the tears just wont stop falling. The curse is felt in my whole being. Yet I can still rejoice in the God who called her home. There is no better place for her to be but in an eternity without pain and suffering with ABBA. Until we get to join her, we will miss her and we will mourn her loss under this curse.   

Its Been a While

 

Picture: Sept. 2023

Well, hello again! 

It has been years and there have been many changes and a lot of growth- both in the family as well as individually.

I have been toying with starting a new blog.  I had a new title picked out and was trying to get it off the press, so to speak, but was getting overwhelmed. Then I realized this blog is already the perfect place to settle back into.

So, in the future I hope to pop in here to share numerous things. Being me, its hard to pick just one area. thus, you will see new topics such as homeschooling, journal projects, book reviews as well as bible study reflections and learning. That is just skimming the surface of the topics I may visit but its an introduction just the same.

I hope to hear from you in the comments and hope you enjoy my ramblings.

Making it Different

No one warned me. No one gave me the slightest hint. When you lose your mother, the glue of the family, you dont just lose her. You lose everything that ever used to be normal.

All our traditions.

All our celebrations.

All our previous joys.

Gone!

Right now it is all about doing things differently. Trying not to remember. Trying not to be brought to a place of absolute despair.

Today, while everyone remembered their mothers, I could only remember the loss of mine.

While people had memories to share, I tried to close all mine away.

Too precious.

Too hard.

In years past, Mothers Day was stressful. We wanted to make it perfect for a woman who deserved the world and could only really have a BBQ! What I wouldn't give to have a stressful Mothers Day again, in honor of Her.

Maybe one day planning events wont be about how different we can make them in hopes of healing our hearts. For now, its how we survive one day to the next.

A mother is a great blessing. I pray I can be one just like mine!

This One is for Him

Although this is Good Friday, this post is not about Jesus. "Him" from my title is my Dad.

As I started to hang my laundry this morning, I started to cry. This time it wasn't because I was sad for who I had lost. My eyes and heart finally moved from myself and landed on my Dad.

I lost a mother, he lost his wife.

I can't imagine. I never want to be the one left behind.

Dave and I have an ongoing, silly little fight about who is allowed to die first. Neither of us wants to be the first to go. Its too hard being the one left to pick up the pieces. That is what my Dad is living right now. Being left behind.

He has lost his wife, his best friend, his constant companion, his filter, his love, his confidant and partner... the list goes on. In the relationship of a spouse are found all other relationships.

How do we help? How do I , as his mourning daughter, help ease his pain and bring him comfort? Everyday must be so hard and so lonely. And yet he stands so strong in our presence. He dams up his tears and stops his mouth from speaking sadness.

My tears flow today for my fathers pain. For his present loneliness that we can't take away. So many holes that we just cannot fill. In ourselves and in those we love.

I am thankful that today is a day we remember our Heavenly Father and the sacrifice He sent for us. Jesus is the only way we can find comfort and fill the hole of this loneliness. On earth there is a sting of death, but with Christ we have eternity. Loneliness will pass away along with sorrow and sin. Until then, we cling to His promise. He is our comfort. He gives us what we need to comfort others.

Icy Indifference

There have been very few tears this week. As I sat down to try and assess why that was so, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'm hardened!

I feel as though I have grown a metal skin that is used to cover away all my sorrow and keep it from coming out lest it should rust. I didn't do it on purpose. I only just came to this realization an hour ago.

Some people get angry as part of the grief. I have no reason for anger. Instead, I've simply become a statue. A semblance of Katie walks and talks and eats but doesn't seem to allow feeling very far. My visits with people feel selfish because I am just thankful for their distractions. My brain is a fog and can't seem to offer any clear advice or conversation.

I know it wont last. I feel the ebbing pain surfacing as I type. I just thought it odd as I reflected that this was what I found. An icy surface "protecting" the soft and tender, hurting heart inside.

As the ice outside melts in my backyard and floods the yard, so this hardness will melt away and bring more tears to release the ache inside. New life will bud and grow and warmth will once  again reign. Until then, I admit I have enjoyed the tear free week. Just not the ache that seems to build instead.

Dark Hours

No one can love like a mother.

I'm still awake at 3:30 am; eyes swollen half shut due to crying because it finally sank in. All the things that I will never have again.

I went to bed in utter exhaustion and the moment I tried to sleep I started to cry. I can't make the tears stop.

I want to call her up. I want to hear her talk to me. I want her to hug me. I want to hear that one day it will all be okay. That it will get better.

It wont. The pain will cease to be as sharp. The tears will dry. But I still wont have my mom. There is no replacement. No one else will fill her role. I can't expect someone to. Who can love me the way I love my children? That one relationship is gone. Lost to me for the rest of this life.

Where I am right now, there is no comfort. I'm not talking eternally. I'm talking about right now. During the rest of my life on this earth. No one can be my mother. And no matter what anyone says, a girl will always wish to have her mom. No matter how old she gets.

The other day I was walking down the street and passed one of my moms favourite stores. I wanted to cry just seeing it. I walked by and managed to stay strong. The way back was a different story. I stopped and had a real dilemma right in front of the store. Part of me couldn't gather the courage to go in the front door. The other part wanted to rush in and buy the prettiest thing I could find. For what? Her honor? A memory? None of it makes any sense. One lone tear escaped my right eye as I forced myself to keep walking by.

Up until tonight I have kept myself grounded. Collecting my emotions for private release, having a quick cry and moving on. Tonight I just can't keep it controlled. My sorrow has won tonight. In so many ways it is welcomed. In a few short hours my grief will have to be gathered up and stored away so I can be the mom my boys need to be.

Right now I need to cry over the fact that my mom isn't nestled into her bed, getting ready to wake with the sun and be the mom I need her to be. She has done her job and is at rest.

I have my memories. But for now they are too painful. Just a reminder of the amazing lady we've all lost.