Forgive Me

Setting: Im outside the back of a brick building that houses several tenants in a very beautiful neighbourhood. It is a sunny, spring day and I have Matty in my arms. I stand knocking on my grandmothers door.

Grandma: Hello?
She answers uncertain of who it is that is standing in front of her.

Me: Hi Grandma!

Grandma: Oh, I didnt recognize you. Come in.
Her face has a giant smile on it but it is still clear that she can't place my name or even my face...all she knows is that she is my grandma.

Me: This is Matthew.

Grandma: How old is he?

Me: He's six months.
I'm ashamed that this is their first introduction and he is already so old. How come I waited so long?

Grandma: Only? He looks so big.

Me: He's tall, like his dad.

Grandma: Is he my...?
She makes a gesture of a little child and points to herself. She wants to know if my husband is her son.

Me: No, your son is my father. Donny is your son and I am his daughter.

Grandma: Oh yes... what day is it today?

Me: Its Tuesday today.

Grandma: Oh, it always feels like Saturday since I am home.

Me: I know, I feel that way too.

Grandma: Can I get him a cookie?

Me: Oh, no. He can't eat them yet.

Grandma: How old is he?

Me: He is six months.

Grandma: wow, he's big. Can he have a cookie?

Me: I dont think he can eat them yet.

Grandma: of course. What day is it today?

Me: Its Tuesday today.

Grandma: oh, It feels like Saturday.
She stands up and heads to the kitchen. She grabs a cookie and before I can stop her she hands it to Matty. He puts it in his mouth right away. I watch very carefully. It crumbles, he breaks it in his mouth, I have to pull it out of his mouth as he gags on the piece that started to go down.

Me: Do you still go out walking around here?

Grandma: No. It's too cold.
She opens the freezer door.
Do you have butter at home? I have six pounds here. I forgot.

Me: I would love some butter.

Grandma: Can he have a cookie? Here's a cookie.
I repeat the entire process of watching, grabbing and hiding the cookie. Eventually I say my goodbyes. She gives Matty another cookie and hands me the whole package. She tells me to give him some on the way home. I leave and tell her I will be back next week.

End Scene.

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This is a summary of my visit. Many of the things here were repeated more and more and I continued to reply as though she hadn't yet asked it.

I haven't visited in over a year. I live a 15 minute walk away. I am home all day. She had never met this great grandchild and he had never met her. Why? Am I afraid of confusing her? Am I just not willing to go through the trouble? Am I scared? I think I am all of these and more.

" Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion in to practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandpparents, for this is pleasing to God...If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his emmidiate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Tim 5:3-8

I read this passage a long time back. It made me mourn my behaviour to my grandmother. I didnt act upon it, however. I made excuses. "She won't remember me." "I'll just cause her more confusion."

Today I visited. She doesnt really know who I am but she was so happy. A part of her day was filled with company and it chased away the loneliness she feels most of the time. I regret that I took so long. She is confused, she repeats everything multiple times, she needs patience, love and companionship.

How beautiful is this moment right here? Such joy and love.

Forgive me, Father. I haven't cared for my family.