Oh Boy!

One of my biggest fears when meeting my new baby is colic. I know my parents were faced with all four of us children crying all the time in pain and discomfort. After a few days of Matty crying when he was born I thought I was in for it. Then he calmed right down and was the happiest, easiest babies I had ever known.

Unfortunately, Levi doesnt seem to be as fortunate as Matty was. Everyday I am faced with hours of screaming. a little Levi baby looking at me in pain and sufferng and I am helpless. I can bounce him, thump his back, move his legs around... and very little works. The only peace is when he finally poops or when he falls asleep after screaming for so long.

It makes me feel really guilty. Not the pain, but my ability to mother two boys. I feel as though I am neglecting Matthew. I try so hard to have time for him. to snuggle him and read with him and pay attention to him... but I just dont have time. I have to hold a screaming baby and when he isnt screaming he wont let me put him down or he'll scream some more. Once he will stay asleep when I put him down I am so tired, I just lack the energy to get up and play.

Dave is a hero. I cant imagine doing this alone. Dave is always ready to play with Matty and put him to bed, read to him and give him all sorts of attention. It makes me jealous at times to see my firstborn and know I am slipping from a position I used to hold. I could almost always figure out what was bothering him and I could usually always fix it too. Now, everything is such a struggle.

Transitions are hard. I feel bad for my little man. He feels displaced and ignored and I kind of miss being able to give him the attention I feel he deserves. He's never been needy for it so I feel even more like he needs it these days.

It makes me wish I treasured the moments with just Matty a little bit more.