October TBR and Reading Challenge

    Today has been a very hard day. I feel completely drained of all emotion and energy. Guess what I usually like to do when I am having a hard time? I like to participate in what we call escapism. I usually do this by getting into a new book and not leaving it until I feel better. However, this time I am not permitting myself this negative habit. Instead I am allowing grief and sorrow to work itself out in a healthier way and simply finding quiet time here and there to sneak in some reading.

    This month, one of my favourite booktubers has a fun readathon to participate. It has been my guide to which books I'll pull off my shelf to read this month.   

    Each prompt that she gives can be done either physically while reading any book or by reading a book that somehow fits the prompt. This sort of thing just made me get so excited. I went to my shelf and found what I felt like might just be the perfect pile for this month.

Rainy day: The Thursday Murder Club- Richard Osman

    I chose this one so I could enjoy the humor while listening to the rain falling outside. It has nothing to     do with rain as far as I know. 

Fireplace: The Splendor Before Dark- Margaret George

    This is all about Nero and we all know what he did with fire.

With a blanket: Little Black Book- Kate Carlisle

    This book has a blanket on the cover and is a cozy mystery so both things work for this prompt.

Under the trees: The Giver- Lois Lowry

    The cover of this book has tree branches all over it.

Fresh baking: A Killer Edition- Lorna Barrett

    The cover is plastered in fresh baking in a kitchen.

In the dark: Shadow and Bone- Leigh Bardugo

    The word shadow refers to darkness.

On a hike: Welcome Home- Travels in smalltown Canada- Stuart McLean

    A travelling book is much like a hike.

Drinking tea: Emma- a modern retelling- Alexander McCall Smith

    In the British classic tradition they always drank tea. I also have been enjoying a lovely tea while           reading this one.

Of course these are subject to change but this is the plan for this months reading.
How about you? Looking forward to any good books this month? 

A Miracle and A Curse

 On September 27th I had the joy of becoming a great aunt to a beautiful little baby girl. I'm a 40 year old GREAT AUNT! But what made this day even more spectacular was the amount of prayer that was offered up and the tears that were shed when month after month there remained an empty womb. 

    This little lady's arrival felt like a miracle. A gift given that felt like it might be impossible. And so when we learned of her conception we covered her in prayers of thankfulness and joy until the day we had the honour to hold her in our arms and see her precious face and feel her little breaths against our skin.   

    On the 28th (our 17th wedding anniversary and this lovely ladies second day) I got to hold her close and marvel at Gods amazing grace in forming her in her mothers womb until the right time.

    Yet as the title suggests, this wasn't where my day ended. What began as a day of celebration and joy ended with a reminder of the curse. What curse? you may ask. The curse of death. The 28th was when God called for the delivery of another baby. One that we were all eagerly anticipating. A fifth daughter to join her older 4 sisters. Then the message arrived that something was wrong and to pray for life. I knelt, I cried, I pleaded, I prostrated for this little lady's life. Then news arrived. God had called this little one to himself. She was not to remain here on this earth with her family.

    I held my one day old great niece in the afternoon and in the evening of the same day I learned of another life, just a day behind, that was called to an end on the day of her birth.

    It can be a whip lash of sorts to hold a miracle in your arms one minute and then to hear of another miracle that you will never get to hold because she has been taken to her real and eternal home. Death remains a curse to us here on earth until Christ returns. Because of the first Bad Day in the garden when Adam and Eve chose to take control and stop trusting God, we will forever be plagued by this curse. Each one of us will be touched by it - we will likely all taste it ourselves.  

    Death is a  curse but it isn't the end. After the curse came, a promise arrived swiftly on its heels. This curse would not have the victory. Instead Jesus, the Saviour, would come and take the curse upon himself. He would carry the weight of all our sin on his perfect self and triumph over it. He rose victorious over death for us. We no longer have to look at death with fear and trembling but instead with confidence that death is only the beginning of our eternal life with God.  

Jesus told her, "I am the resurrection and the life, whoever believes in me, even if he dies, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die." John 11:25

Although we live in a broken world where we suffer and feel so much pain, we also live with so much hope if we trust in God. We have a Saviour who has promised us eternal life with him. An eternity without any pain, suffering or tears. All he asks is that we set our eyes on Him.    

"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him." 1 Thess. 4:13

    A precious baby girl was taken home to her Heavenly Father before her first breath. My heart is broken and the tears just wont stop falling. The curse is felt in my whole being. Yet I can still rejoice in the God who called her home. There is no better place for her to be but in an eternity without pain and suffering with ABBA. Until we get to join her, we will miss her and we will mourn her loss under this curse.   

Its Been a While

 

Picture: Sept. 2023

Well, hello again! 

It has been years and there have been many changes and a lot of growth- both in the family as well as individually.

I have been toying with starting a new blog.  I had a new title picked out and was trying to get it off the press, so to speak, but was getting overwhelmed. Then I realized this blog is already the perfect place to settle back into.

So, in the future I hope to pop in here to share numerous things. Being me, its hard to pick just one area. thus, you will see new topics such as homeschooling, journal projects, book reviews as well as bible study reflections and learning. That is just skimming the surface of the topics I may visit but its an introduction just the same.

I hope to hear from you in the comments and hope you enjoy my ramblings.

Making it Different

No one warned me. No one gave me the slightest hint. When you lose your mother, the glue of the family, you dont just lose her. You lose everything that ever used to be normal.

All our traditions.

All our celebrations.

All our previous joys.

Gone!

Right now it is all about doing things differently. Trying not to remember. Trying not to be brought to a place of absolute despair.

Today, while everyone remembered their mothers, I could only remember the loss of mine.

While people had memories to share, I tried to close all mine away.

Too precious.

Too hard.

In years past, Mothers Day was stressful. We wanted to make it perfect for a woman who deserved the world and could only really have a BBQ! What I wouldn't give to have a stressful Mothers Day again, in honor of Her.

Maybe one day planning events wont be about how different we can make them in hopes of healing our hearts. For now, its how we survive one day to the next.

A mother is a great blessing. I pray I can be one just like mine!

This One is for Him

Although this is Good Friday, this post is not about Jesus. "Him" from my title is my Dad.

As I started to hang my laundry this morning, I started to cry. This time it wasn't because I was sad for who I had lost. My eyes and heart finally moved from myself and landed on my Dad.

I lost a mother, he lost his wife.

I can't imagine. I never want to be the one left behind.

Dave and I have an ongoing, silly little fight about who is allowed to die first. Neither of us wants to be the first to go. Its too hard being the one left to pick up the pieces. That is what my Dad is living right now. Being left behind.

He has lost his wife, his best friend, his constant companion, his filter, his love, his confidant and partner... the list goes on. In the relationship of a spouse are found all other relationships.

How do we help? How do I , as his mourning daughter, help ease his pain and bring him comfort? Everyday must be so hard and so lonely. And yet he stands so strong in our presence. He dams up his tears and stops his mouth from speaking sadness.

My tears flow today for my fathers pain. For his present loneliness that we can't take away. So many holes that we just cannot fill. In ourselves and in those we love.

I am thankful that today is a day we remember our Heavenly Father and the sacrifice He sent for us. Jesus is the only way we can find comfort and fill the hole of this loneliness. On earth there is a sting of death, but with Christ we have eternity. Loneliness will pass away along with sorrow and sin. Until then, we cling to His promise. He is our comfort. He gives us what we need to comfort others.

Icy Indifference

There have been very few tears this week. As I sat down to try and assess why that was so, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'm hardened!

I feel as though I have grown a metal skin that is used to cover away all my sorrow and keep it from coming out lest it should rust. I didn't do it on purpose. I only just came to this realization an hour ago.

Some people get angry as part of the grief. I have no reason for anger. Instead, I've simply become a statue. A semblance of Katie walks and talks and eats but doesn't seem to allow feeling very far. My visits with people feel selfish because I am just thankful for their distractions. My brain is a fog and can't seem to offer any clear advice or conversation.

I know it wont last. I feel the ebbing pain surfacing as I type. I just thought it odd as I reflected that this was what I found. An icy surface "protecting" the soft and tender, hurting heart inside.

As the ice outside melts in my backyard and floods the yard, so this hardness will melt away and bring more tears to release the ache inside. New life will bud and grow and warmth will once  again reign. Until then, I admit I have enjoyed the tear free week. Just not the ache that seems to build instead.

Dark Hours

No one can love like a mother.

I'm still awake at 3:30 am; eyes swollen half shut due to crying because it finally sank in. All the things that I will never have again.

I went to bed in utter exhaustion and the moment I tried to sleep I started to cry. I can't make the tears stop.

I want to call her up. I want to hear her talk to me. I want her to hug me. I want to hear that one day it will all be okay. That it will get better.

It wont. The pain will cease to be as sharp. The tears will dry. But I still wont have my mom. There is no replacement. No one else will fill her role. I can't expect someone to. Who can love me the way I love my children? That one relationship is gone. Lost to me for the rest of this life.

Where I am right now, there is no comfort. I'm not talking eternally. I'm talking about right now. During the rest of my life on this earth. No one can be my mother. And no matter what anyone says, a girl will always wish to have her mom. No matter how old she gets.

The other day I was walking down the street and passed one of my moms favourite stores. I wanted to cry just seeing it. I walked by and managed to stay strong. The way back was a different story. I stopped and had a real dilemma right in front of the store. Part of me couldn't gather the courage to go in the front door. The other part wanted to rush in and buy the prettiest thing I could find. For what? Her honor? A memory? None of it makes any sense. One lone tear escaped my right eye as I forced myself to keep walking by.

Up until tonight I have kept myself grounded. Collecting my emotions for private release, having a quick cry and moving on. Tonight I just can't keep it controlled. My sorrow has won tonight. In so many ways it is welcomed. In a few short hours my grief will have to be gathered up and stored away so I can be the mom my boys need to be.

Right now I need to cry over the fact that my mom isn't nestled into her bed, getting ready to wake with the sun and be the mom I need her to be. She has done her job and is at rest.

I have my memories. But for now they are too painful. Just a reminder of the amazing lady we've all lost.

Sorrow Upon Sorrow

My Mom died.

(She's the little one in the middle)

There was no warning. There were no goodbyes. She just left. To a better place and surrounded by glory, but away from us.

When I got the call to come to the hospital, the morning of February 11th, I knew I was going to lose my mother. I rushed into my snow covered truck, braved high speeds on terrible roads and prayed the whole time.

"Lord, let us get there first. We will sing to her and pray with her. We will read her psalms and her favourite verses. Just let us get there first. Let us say goodbye."

I walked into the "special" room with Meghan and Connor. My Dad and sister, Aunty Peggy and Aunty Anne were already there.

"She's gone", he said. "She died".

We wept. We sobbed out our grief in loud wails and gut wrenching moans. Daniel and Amanda joined us. Everyone but us red heads already knew the  truth. We weren't going to get to say goodbye. My prayer was answered with a "No, daughter. Not this time."

I already heard that answer a few months ago. Not again! I know all too well now how our prayers are answered but not always how we desire them to be.

These are the words I spoke at the funeral:

The Millar family has forever been changed. Not only have we lost a mother, a wife and a grandmother, be we have lost our best friend, our conscience, our counseller, guide and strength.
 She had a gift at taking one look at you and knowing there was something wrong. The one who could help put words to all the jumbled up emotions reeling around inside. She was a sign post always pointing up to God who is the source of all wisdom, joy and comfort. Each person here has been touched by my amazing mother and can attest for what I say. It astounds me that God could create a woman who was all things at once to everyone who needed her… and that I have the privilege of being her daughter. How one human being could be everything to so many people is hard to believe; but that is who God made her to be. She made a home where everyone was welcome. She taught her children to love all who were around. She instilled in us a passion to see those in need and love them with Christ’s love. She was never too busy for anyone and so her home was the warmest place to be. She was where people wanted to be.
 I have always said that my mom was the person I’d most like to be. Her strength was unmatched, her wisdom unparalleled, and her love incomprehensible. I will never be just like my mom. I was created to be me, but God has graciously given me some of her attributes. And when you take myself, along with Johannah, Daniel and Connor, you get a pretty good picture of who she was. It took 4 children to encapsulate one woman and it is still not enough. She was a second mom to so many, and they too hold some of her. My mom went home as a daughter of the King. She was welcomed home with a “Well done, Good and Faithful servant!” and she is now in the presence of God with 4 of her own children and two of her grandbabies. She leaves behind a hole that can never be filled but we rejoice that she has been brought home where there is no pain or tears and where she basks in the light of God.
 “My sheep listen to my voice, I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater that all; no one can snatch them out of my Fathers hands. I and the Father are one.” John 10: 27-30 My mom followed Jesus and she is in his hands forever. Praise be to God!  

Life goes on now. One painful day at a time. She was our glue. She kept us grounded and alert. A daughter often asks: "What would I do without my mother?" And now I know. Cry! And then continue to live. Picking up pieces, comforting myself and others who need it, remembering her voice in all the little things. Just never forgetting.

Life without Liz Millar is not an easy one. Its darker, it hurts and it feels aimless. Thankfully, we don't serve her, we serve our great Lord and Saviour and he gives us our direction.  He reminds me of his promises so that I can mourn now but there will be joy in the morning. He will take this tragedy and turn it into healing and numerous other wonderful things.

                                                  Here she is with that expression of glee.
                                            It was the books she loved on her 50th birthday.
                                 Some may think its unflattering but I see exactly who she is here.

I don't know how to end this post. Words have been hard to find and say. I guess I can finish with what I say when i can barely speak and when the tears are just streaming down my face.

I miss my mom.

A Future Lost

I started writing to my baby the moment I found out. I began a list of names (all boys because we all know the chances are slim for any other sex) and began to think of sleeping arrangements. I looked into buying a new bassinet and the cost of renting newborn cloth diapers. My heart was racing with joy and excitement for the day 9 months in the future when I would meet my newest little one.

I never thought that day would disappear. That the Lord would choose to take that precious life to himself before I had a chance to even feel that life within me. A hole was ripped into my life by the loss of a life that I never met. Leaving in its wake a dark pit of fear and uncertainty.

No one can really prepare you for the sorrow a miscarriage brings. A friend of mine described the need for support being like a woman who has just had a newborn baby but also lost a family member. In one fell swoop, you are mourning the loss of a life you were planning for while still having to pass that life from within you.

I prayed against the loss of life but it was taken. I prayed for a safe passing of the baby but was hospitalized and required surgery. My prayers were not answered the way I had desired but I know it was all His good and perfect will. I may never understand exactly why these things happened but I do know that God knows.

I look around and see all the blessings God has bestowed on us. 4 healthy and happy boys, a warm home, a loving husband and a supportive family (both blood and church). He has been so good and will continue to be good to us. Even in the terror of the loss, he got me to the hospital before it was too late. He spared my life instead of taking it as well.

I am left confused and scared. The terror of what I went through leaves me wondering if it is safe for me to have another child. Will my life be taken from me instead of spared like it was this time? Will it happen all over again? Was this Gods way of showing me I should be pleased with my family of 6?

I know all of these thoughts are from me wanting to be in control of what happens. I need to relinquish it to God. He is the one who holds all things together and breathes life into us. The worries just keep coming back. I don't know when the sorrow will fade. I know it will never be gone. My child was lost and will never be forgotten but God will also bring joy. He heals and brings comfort.

I have hope that one day I will be able to meet this little one in heaven. Until then I have 4 beautiful lives to care for here on earth. I have taken the letters to this baby and put them away. I have collected the sorry cards and tucked them away to help heal my heart but the memory will haunt me for some time.

I praise God that I have very little time to sit and think of my loss and instead and surrounded by many joyful noises.

Sing and Make Music

I want to be as the Psalmist was:

My heart, O God, is steadfast, my heart is steadfast; I will sing and make music. Awake, my soul! Awake, harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn

I will praise you, Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaching to the skies.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over the earth. Psalm 57:7-11 

 

You Know You're Tired When...

You take these lyrics:

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink
Sees a girl that catches his eye
Asks her if she wants another
They fall for each other and end up lovers

Read more: Tyler Farr - A Guy Walks Into A Bar Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

And you hear:

A cow walks into a barn, orders a drink sees a girl that catches his eye...

 All I could think, until the 3rd time the chorus was sung, was when did beastiality become such a public and romanticized issue? Isn't it bad enough already?

Time to get myself to bed.

 

 

Everything Has a Home

I'd never had a hard time keeping my house neat, tidy and clean until I had three kids and lived in an unfinished house. Something radically changed in my ability and motivation. Now, I find I am struggling to simply keep on top of the kitchen island, let alone the rest of the house.

My mom came by yesterday to give me a hand. She reminded me to give everything a home. And once it has a home, any time it is out, it is to be put back into its home immediately. I am sure this is the secret to success, and I have known it and not practiced it very well.

Here is what my house looks like ( the downstairs) after my mom came:

 Here is the hutch in our dining/ kitchen area. So much less dumpy.

 Our living room, with specific cubby holes for certain things.

 Our other living area. Clean and neat.

 My desk! The dumping ground for everything in Dave's pockets and anything I don't have a home for.

Here is the office that has become somewhat of a play room.

I am very motivated to keep up with it. The boys even saw some of the work and commented that the house looked beautiful. Matthew and Levi even tried telling Declan off for spilling lego all over the floor. "The house is beautiful Declan. Stop messing it up."

Keeping a house is far from easy but I know that keeping the rule of giving everything a home and always putting things away is the solution.

For Mandie

Our beautiful baby niece is finally leaving us to her adoptive parents. It's tragic yet beautiful. It was the plan all along but she takes a piece of all our hearts with her. I don't think any of us will miss that part of our hearts the way we will miss her.

For each of my foster nieces (and nephews, although we have yet to have any) I like to have something to give them. I made a teddy for our last princess, and for this one, a blanket:

When I prayed for her at dinner tonight, and for my sister and her family, Matthew turned and ask me why we had to give her away. I explained to him the situation. How is was a very special thing that she was going from one loving family to a permanent home. He seemed to understand. Ewan, however, was perplexed:

You mean, we will have to do that with Declan too?

Hard for little ones to make sense of it all. However, we have all been so blessed to have her in our lives. God has used us for her and her for us.

We will be praying for my sister and brother in law and all my nieces and nephews as they part with their baby sister this coming week.  God's love has filled them all to do this amazing work and he will heal their wounds and make them strong again.

Jerry Bridges

Another book complete and well worth the time. Not that it took long at all. I never wanted to put it down. 

This practical book gives many ways to see where you fall into the same traps of sin and how to fight to be holy. To have the correct balance of faith and hope but also personal effort in gaining holiness.

The very final paragraph of the book says:

Surely He has not commanded you to be holy without providing the means to be holy. The privilege of being holy is your, and the decision and responsibility to be holy is yours. If you make that decision, you will experience the fullness of joy which Christ had promised to those who walk in obedience to Him.

A highly recommended read from my point of view. I have his following book, The Pursuit of Godliness, which I plan on picking up next.

If you chose to pick this one  up, you will not  be disappointed.

Should I Be Worried?

His matching needs work.

Valentines For All

Love: Ewan

Love: Matthew

Love: Levi

Every year I am a bit too ambitious with our plans for homemade Valentines. I find really lovely ideas but when it comes to making them, I usually end up doing most of the work. This year wasnt too different, although I did have more help than previous years.

Since we don't see so many of you, here is your digital picture of a Valentine for you all. 

Happy Valentines Day!

Where Was This At Christmas Time?

I don't know if I have ever taken time to look at this kind of snow too closely. When I look at it, it almost looks like fluff growing out of the plants, not just landing on it. So beautiful!!!

7 Toxic Ideas Polluting Your Mind

I finished a book!!! 

It really is an accomplishment. Celebrate with me.

This book takes seven ideas that we have taken in our society and changed them from God's view to our own. He dissects what the bible tells us about subjects such as consumerism, relativism and materialism and how we change these truths to fit better with what we want.

I really enjoyed this book. It was easy to read and cohesive from start to finish. It has practical questions to ask oneself as a bit of an examination and it is a book I know I would read again.

Thank you Anthony Selvaggio!

Box Car

Who needs anything else when there is a big box lying around???

A New Room

Sometimes I forget that I live in a house that is under construction. Not that I stop noticing its unfinished walls and floors but I just make it my normal. Our home is functional and I've tried to make it cosy even if it is unfinished.

Lately, while Dave has time between deadlines, he has put his energy into working on our house. First stop, one of the bedrooms. We moved the two older boys into it, freeing up the next bedroom which will be the next project to finish.

There still aren't any floors or window frames and we haven't yet put up the molding but I am so happy with it. A few touches to make it more decorated (baskets and shelved books) and it will be perfect.