Tuesday, January 20, 2009


The desire of my heart for as long as I can remember has been to become a wife and mother. I am both of these and I praise the Lord for that. Unfortunately, the past few weeks I have felt that I would much rather just be a wife. Don't get me wrong. I love Matty and believe him to be the most adorable baby that has ever been born (the right of every mother to believe) but nights of no sleep, days filled with fussing and unhappiness has only lead me to wanting to have my days back to get things done and my nights back to sleep ( can anyone say 'selfish'?). Im up at 3 and 4 and 5 and then decide by 6 that it is just time to get up and start the day. I drudge through all of my tasks in a fog, as though there is some film over my life that just isnt letting me see everything the way it is. I want to curl up and sleep, I want to cry, I want to play with my fussy child to make him happy but can't find the energy.

I love Matty and would never trade my situation for the world. I'm just stuck in a rut. It feels like a deep one. Will he ever sleep through the night, will this fussy faze that can only be remedied by being held or being on the breast ever stop? Do I even have enough milk for this child? Maybe he is hungry and me feeding him every hour like he seems to want isnt actually feeding him at all. He can't use a bottle, he wont take a soother, we introduced cereal to him and it seemed to cause him pain and irritation. There really isn't anything else to do but to persevere.

Ha, Im sitting here with Matty on my lap and he is sucking on the table. He brings me so mcuh joy as well as these momentary difficulties. For the time being, I guess I sleep while he sleeps and wake when he wakes. Feed him as often as I can since he will ALWAYS take it and hope this stage ends soon.

I feel guilty feeling this way. My situation is really wonderful. Two fantastic men to love and who love me. The ability to stay home and be a mom rather than a 'working woman'...I'm blessed beyond anything I could imagine.