A Miracle and A Curse

 On September 27th I had the joy of becoming a great aunt to a beautiful little baby girl. I'm a 40 year old GREAT AUNT! But what made this day even more spectacular was the amount of prayer that was offered up and the tears that were shed when month after month there remained an empty womb. 

    This little lady's arrival felt like a miracle. A gift given that felt like it might be impossible. And so when we learned of her conception we covered her in prayers of thankfulness and joy until the day we had the honour to hold her in our arms and see her precious face and feel her little breaths against our skin.   

    On the 28th (our 17th wedding anniversary and this lovely ladies second day) I got to hold her close and marvel at Gods amazing grace in forming her in her mothers womb until the right time.

    Yet as the title suggests, this wasn't where my day ended. What began as a day of celebration and joy ended with a reminder of the curse. What curse? you may ask. The curse of death. The 28th was when God called for the delivery of another baby. One that we were all eagerly anticipating. A fifth daughter to join her older 4 sisters. Then the message arrived that something was wrong and to pray for life. I knelt, I cried, I pleaded, I prostrated for this little lady's life. Then news arrived. God had called this little one to himself. She was not to remain here on this earth with her family.

    I held my one day old great niece in the afternoon and in the evening of the same day I learned of another life, just a day behind, that was called to an end on the day of her birth.

    It can be a whip lash of sorts to hold a miracle in your arms one minute and then to hear of another miracle that you will never get to hold because she has been taken to her real and eternal home. Death remains a curse to us here on earth until Christ returns. Because of the first Bad Day in the garden when Adam and Eve chose to take control and stop trusting God, we will forever be plagued by this curse. Each one of us will be touched by it - we will likely all taste it ourselves.  

    Death is a  curse but it isn't the end. After the curse came, a promise arrived swiftly on its heels. This curse would not have the victory. Instead Jesus, the Saviour, would come and take the curse upon himself. He would carry the weight of all our sin on his perfect self and triumph over it. He rose victorious over death for us. We no longer have to look at death with fear and trembling but instead with confidence that death is only the beginning of our eternal life with God.  

Jesus told her, "I am the resurrection and the life, whoever believes in me, even if he dies, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die." John 11:25

Although we live in a broken world where we suffer and feel so much pain, we also live with so much hope if we trust in God. We have a Saviour who has promised us eternal life with him. An eternity without any pain, suffering or tears. All he asks is that we set our eyes on Him.    

"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him." 1 Thess. 4:13

    A precious baby girl was taken home to her Heavenly Father before her first breath. My heart is broken and the tears just wont stop falling. The curse is felt in my whole being. Yet I can still rejoice in the God who called her home. There is no better place for her to be but in an eternity without pain and suffering with ABBA. Until we get to join her, we will miss her and we will mourn her loss under this curse.   

Sing and Make Music

I want to be as the Psalmist was:

My heart, O God, is steadfast, my heart is steadfast; I will sing and make music. Awake, my soul! Awake, harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn

I will praise you, Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaching to the skies.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over the earth. Psalm 57:7-11 

 

For Mandie

Our beautiful baby niece is finally leaving us to her adoptive parents. It's tragic yet beautiful. It was the plan all along but she takes a piece of all our hearts with her. I don't think any of us will miss that part of our hearts the way we will miss her.

For each of my foster nieces (and nephews, although we have yet to have any) I like to have something to give them. I made a teddy for our last princess, and for this one, a blanket:

When I prayed for her at dinner tonight, and for my sister and her family, Matthew turned and ask me why we had to give her away. I explained to him the situation. How is was a very special thing that she was going from one loving family to a permanent home. He seemed to understand. Ewan, however, was perplexed:

You mean, we will have to do that with Declan too?

Hard for little ones to make sense of it all. However, we have all been so blessed to have her in our lives. God has used us for her and her for us.

We will be praying for my sister and brother in law and all my nieces and nephews as they part with their baby sister this coming week.  God's love has filled them all to do this amazing work and he will heal their wounds and make them strong again.

Jerry Bridges

Another book complete and well worth the time. Not that it took long at all. I never wanted to put it down. 

This practical book gives many ways to see where you fall into the same traps of sin and how to fight to be holy. To have the correct balance of faith and hope but also personal effort in gaining holiness.

The very final paragraph of the book says:

Surely He has not commanded you to be holy without providing the means to be holy. The privilege of being holy is your, and the decision and responsibility to be holy is yours. If you make that decision, you will experience the fullness of joy which Christ had promised to those who walk in obedience to Him.

A highly recommended read from my point of view. I have his following book, The Pursuit of Godliness, which I plan on picking up next.

If you chose to pick this one  up, you will not  be disappointed.

7 Toxic Ideas Polluting Your Mind

I finished a book!!! 

It really is an accomplishment. Celebrate with me.

This book takes seven ideas that we have taken in our society and changed them from God's view to our own. He dissects what the bible tells us about subjects such as consumerism, relativism and materialism and how we change these truths to fit better with what we want.

I really enjoyed this book. It was easy to read and cohesive from start to finish. It has practical questions to ask oneself as a bit of an examination and it is a book I know I would read again.

Thank you Anthony Selvaggio!

City Dwellers Just Need Time

Last Saturday was a beautiful day. It looked like this:

I love my clothesline. I get to look at our blooming crab apple tree and see beautiful greenery while hanging my fresh smelling laundry.

Its rare these days that we have a day that looks like this. Today, for example, it is pouring rain and gray (like pretty much every other day this spring). SO when the day looks like this I get very excited and try to think what I want to do with it.

I love to get out of the house. Running errands, doing fun things... I just enjoy getting out and seeing things.

I have found that since being in the country walking is kind of aimless. To take the boys for a walk means going to the road, walking somewhere just to turn around and come back. Now, dont get me wrong, I love the idea of walking in the country. I look forward to when there are no mosquitos trying to drain me of my blood and Im not so large I can barely move so that I can get out and really exercise. The thing is, right now, I cant. So, I drive places. Thats just what you have to do.

In the city I could load the boys in the stroller and walk to so many different places with purpose or even just for pleasure but actually have a destination in mind. Now, the library needs the car, the park needs the car, groceries need the car... walking is a thing of the past.

So this past weekend, on a beautiful day when many city dwellers would want to get to the country to enjoy nature, I packed the boys into the car and we headed to the city so we could go for a walk.

It was a very enjoyable day. In and out of shops, sun shining, lots of walking, some yummy treats (lunch out and a coffee) and good company.

By the time the walk was over we were all beat. Connor had joined us and it looked like he was ready to pass out from a mix of exhaustion and bordom and I was ready for a nap.

Both the boys fell asleep in the car on the way home and what was even more amazing is that they both transfered into the house while remaining asleep. I managed to get Matty up to his bed and Levi rested on the couch:

Fighting My Thoughts

Today the Lord answered a prayer of mine. A plead really. I had a doctors appointment and I just prayed that there would be someone who would be able to see me and figure out what is going on with my body. Why Am I so uncomfortable? Why wont it get better? How will I function? What more can I do?

I entered the clinic and was honest with the nurse:

"Hey Katie, How are you?"
"Honestly, pretty miserable. This is the worst pregnancy ever."
" You are still itchy?"
"Yup, everywhere!"
"The rash on your neck, it looks worse"
"Ya"
"Ill be right back"

Off she went and quickly returned with the report that I was going to quickly get changed into a robe because they just happened to have a dermotology expert at the clinic today and she was going to come and have a look. Afterwards I would have my regular appointment to check on baby.

"Wow, Lord, thank you!"

In she walked with two other doctors and began to examine.

" Wow! Is that ever irritated and so inflamed."

Thanks, like I hadn't noticed.

Anyways, she had the other doctors give their opinion and set to work on a plan. Prednizone it is. I am now on a steroid for 5 days to see if it can remove inflamation and some irritation so that the doctor can see better what might be going on. Do I have an answer? No not yet. Is there hope? YES!!! Someone is going to be figuring it out.

One of the possibilities is that I have Puppps that has just gotten much worse with each pregnancy and spread. It means in all following pregnancies it will be worse still. There are also other possibilities that there is an infection or some other factor... I guess I wont really know until this trial medication has its go on my body.

My evenings are spent bathing and drying and cleaning and attempting to get my mind ready for sleep.

"Dont think about it katie, sleep will come if it comes. Dont think about itchy skin or long dark nights without rest. Dont panic about trying to raise two really busy boys with no sleep. Just live life one moment at a time."

I spend my sleepless nights jumping from various posts. Read my bible, pray, have another bath, get a movie going while on the couch, do laundry, tidy messy spots... You name it, I do it if I can.

My mind wants to go into angry and desperate state. "Why is this happening to me? what purpose does it have? Have I done something to deserve it?" But then I remember that this is a light and momentary trouble. That this is but a fleeting moment in a much bigger picture. That God is my strength and with Him I can get through this, and only with him.

My mentality has shifted a bit. About motherhood, that is. I just cant do it all. I liked having my little ones so close together but with this health issue my life is falling apart. I cant function for my family. What I need to do is rest. Give my body a rest for a change. I catch myself getting upset with the thought of slowing down. Silly right? Then I think of what a blessing it will be to have my three boys and husband to myself for a few years. Getting back in tune with my healthy body. Not growing another little one inside and having hormones raging all over the place... at least for a time. Then if God wishes to bless me with another one down the road, we will rejoice.

Sometimes I fear that planning to not have a baby is bad. I know it isnt. I know I need it. Its just something I have to keep giving to God. He knows what I can handle and what is best. I just keep praying he lays on my heart the exact right thing for me.

Until then, every moment at a time. Praying thoughout it all for strength and patience (two things I feel I lack in abundance these days). I pray for a tongue that will be held when I feel like I could scream out of frustration and fatigue. I think God is really trying to work that fruit of the Spirit into me. Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Goodness, Kindness, Gentleness, Self Control. I see how this trial is teaching me to ask for them all daily. I can't do it without His strength filling me and pushing me forward to accept them.

God has a purpose. I am his child and he is not doing this to harm me or cause me to stumble but instead to strengten me. Please pray with me that I can remember that. That daily, in every moment I see that God is good and is growing me through this trial. He is my loving Father and he works things for his good.

Wonder of Wonders, Miracle of Miracles

Dear readers,

This past week and a bit has been a time of absolute sadness and hope all at the same time. My heart has been so burdened and heavy with so many things but one thing in particular.

Luca.

This little boy is 5 weeks older than Matty. When his mother and I would see each other while we were pregnant I would alway kid that if I was early and she was late we might have our babies on the same day. She didnt like that idea very much and actually ended up having Luca a bit early.

This little boy hasnt been in my life too much but he is one of those people who has made his way in and out at different times. My best friend is best friends with his mother and we would hang out together at times.

His recent accident tore my heart in so many pieces. To hear of this little boy on the verge of death had me on my knees in tears pleading to God for a miracle.

News fluctuated from being bad to good to bad... a rollercoaster of emotions and I cant even imagine being the mother and father of this precious boy. He suffered head injuries then it looked like he was recovering but after a bit of time they realized he wasnt healing as quickly as they had thought. Then it was even worse then it looked like he might leave this world.

We rallied together (and let me tell you, we mean people all over the place. Hundreds and maybe even thousands) and prayed for this precious boys life. We all knew he needed a miracle.

God blessed us all with this miracle. Today they made the decision to do a MRI. This decision wasn't an easy one... and the results came back with good news. His father put it best:

The brain swelling in Luca’s left side of the brain has subsided which means they were able to see more black spots which is a very positive sign. The swelling around the brain stem was also reduced which is also a VERY positive thing. Pending any secondary injuries, the doctors said Luca will LIVE and we should be talking about his rehabilitation process. As to what extent his brain injuries are at, we don’t know, but the doctors said the injured areas are significantly affected meaning that we will only know with time what they are in detail. He is able to completely breath on his own which is very encouraging. They are talking about months of rehabilitation and are realistically saying he will be at CHEO for a year. His ability to speak, see, walk, etc. we do not know at the moment. He will remember and do everything with the parts of his brain which are healthy. For the damaged areas of his brain, he will adapt with those areas, but they cannot be healed.

Katy & I will embrace the new journey we will have with Luca and aside from what the doctors said, we know we serve an all powerful God that can heal and bring Luca to full health as he was before. Luca chose to live and now and I KNOW a large part of that was because of your prayers. Do we stop praying? No, this is a time to press in even more, every day making him a focus. Luca is a fighter and will NOT give up. There will be many ups and downs for the next while for Katy & I, but this is where we will need all of you more and more. You have all been so amazing standing with us during this time, and we look forward to you all standing with us day by day as we continue to walk through this.

We so appreciate all of you—we feel you are all FAMILY!!!

Praise God! I was ready to weep with Joy. I knew that God could do it. I felt he would. I had to keep reminding myself that my feelings didnt mean that it would actually go as I wished but I am so overjoyed.

This little boy is the second miracle in a year that I have been blessed to pray for and see Gods mighty hand. And I will continue to pray for Gods healing hand to perform even more miracles. Maybe Luca can heal completely even though they say he can't. God is able to do everything. I have faith that he will if it is his will.

Please continue to pray for this precious red head. What a fighter. We love you Luca, Kate, Jimmy and beautiful unborn baby girl.

New Fears and Better Understanding

I never fully undersood why people who lived in the country were so uptight to drive when there was snow falling from the sky. I figured, "well drive slowly and carefully but dont stop your life because of a little weather. Is that really any way to live?"

Saturday, however gave me a good taste of the reality of a little weather. My sister amd I were heading out with all the kids to go and see my house. It was snowing the the roads were slippery so I was careful. The roads were straight for the most part and I felt like I had pretty good control over my car.

Suddenly my car was swirving to and fro and the next thing I knew I was sidways in a ditch. My head was running through what I might have done wrong while also thanking God for the safety he granted us. I didnt brake, that would be stupid, I tried not to over correct, that would be dangerous, I wasnt going too fast, that would be crazy. One minute I was on the road, the next I wasnt.

My sister was behind us and she told me as we were flying off the road she just kept saying "keep them safe, keep them safe..." and the Lord gave her and us exactly that.

When I turned around, my passengers were staring. Matty and Levi simply looked as though it was odd they were leaning to one side, Caelah, who was in the middle looked wide eyed at me. I told her " we're safe, its ok, the Lord kept us safe" and she said "ya, thats what matters.

Jo came and opened the door which she had to hold open with her foot while she stretched to get kids out of seats. Then Caelah looked at her mom and said "well, that was a little scary but it was REALLY fun" with a huge smile on her face. It made me giggle even though I was shaking and too afraid to move out of my seat.

Once I was out, the first car that drove up was actually a lady who lived in the house right across from where we were and she told us if we wanted to, we could come and stay in her house while we waited for help. So sweet of her.

Next a man in a pick up came and he and Jo were actually able to push me out of the ditch. Phew! no horrendous tow truck fines... the trouble, however was not over. The man noticed right away that my tire was completely flat. I pulled to the side of the road and we began trying to change the tire. The man was so helpful. He went to the womans house to see if she had tools and he tried with all his might to get the tire off but the bolt just wouldnt come free.

So it was a call to Aidan. Jo left with her kids back to the house and I visited with the wonderful woman while we awaited Aidans arrival. She fed the kids cookies and juice and made lunch for them, turned on cartoons for them and we chatted like we knew each others. It was so neat.

Eventually Aidan was there and was still in need of some tools. Thankfully the lady thought to call her neighbour who was actually home and he had everything he needed. The spare tire was on and we were ready to go.

The last thing I wanted to do was get back into the car and drive but what choice did I have. The boys got buckled in and off we went. I was so nervous that on the road I had swerved off of I wouldnt go faster than 40km (the speed limit was 80km). Aidan called home to Jo at the point and told her we were going to be much longer since I was going so slow but once we hit a main road that was only wet and not snowy, I grew in confidence and went the max my spare tire would allow me.

We were going to have to stop at the gas station to add air to my spare so as we approached, we were probably 200-400 meters away suddenly I knew my spare tire was gone. I was driving only on the rim. I slowed right down and once again, Aidan told me he was thinking I was being rediculously cautious to be slowing down SO much just to get ready to turn into the gas station. Once he got out of his car and saw my tire he understood. The spare tire was torn to pieces and was just hanging off the rim.

Could this day get any more frustrating? A little.

Aidan tried to put air in the real tire to see if he could get it to seal once again onto its rim but the pressure wasnt high enough. He had no seats available in his car to get anyone in the car which meant three of us were stranded at the gas station. Jo ended up having to be late for a ski trip with Caelah so she could come and get us and Aidan stayed back with a gentleman who offered his tools at his home to help with the tire. My work was done but Aidan was still trying to figure it all out.

Meanwhile Dave was on his way over from the house with whatever tools he might have.

Eventually, they got the car back. The tire seemed to hold air and we were actually able to drive it into to town for church yesturday.

Today I need to take it to a dealer to have them check everything out. The alignment or something is really off and so is the balance so we'll see what can be done.

Needless to say, I am now much more afraid of country driving in the winter. I totally understand how plans need to be cancelled due to weather. I hope my confidence will be restored enough to enjoy driving again since winter is LONG but I will always have a better idea of just how easy it is to end up in a ditch or facing the other way from what you had been two seconds before.

Careful driving everyone.

Sleepover

There are so many amazing blessings in my life I cannot even begin to number them all and these days I have to try and remember them as often as I can because things have started to get difficult.

The situation I am referring to is my husband and I living seperately during the week and then having a few short hours together on the weekend before he is off to the house once more and I am back on my own.

I have had a it really good here at Jo and Aidans place. I am well fed and taken care of, I have helping hands all around and sensitive hearts to my feelings. Yet, I still feel lonely. Where is my other half? He doesn't come home at the end of the day or share my bed or play with the boys.

I had a bit of a melt down a short while ago. Just the stress of being away from him and when I see him he is so tired and stressed that he is not the man I know. I sobbed to my mom because I didnt know how to help him. I didnt know what I could do to make it easier and to help take on some of his burden... or at least help him feel more at ease.

Thats when my mom made the suggestion (more phrased as a demand) that I go to the house once a week for the night. Someone would watch the boys and I would bring a freshly homemade dinner to my husband and help him at the house. Encourage him with my action, speech and with laughter! I feel like he needs to laugh. With all his time alone I want him to be thinking of only good things. It is so easy to draw within ourselves and dwell on negative things.

So that is exactly what I did Wednesday night. I left the boys nestled in bed with my mom and dad and headed off to the house with a huge salad and some dinner.

He knew I was coming and I already heard and saw change in him. Company! A night with his wife at the house where he sleeps alone.

I arrived and he jumped to give me a hug and helped me unload the gifts of food and bedding. I changed quickly since the house is so dusty with drywall dust and other stuff that I would be sure to destroy my clothes if I touched anything. I then asked him what I needed to do. We decided to sit and have dinner first which was nice. We sat side by side, me in a very dusty lawn chair and Dave on a drywall compoud bin and ate our dinner and talked and smiled... It was so nice. Once that was done I had a bit of a more detailed tour of the work that has been done (my house is going to be so awsome) and then when I suggested work, Dave looked at me and said' "Lets just watch a movie. How often do I get to spend a night here with my wife?"

So thats what we did. I made up the air mattress with fresh sheets and clean blankets and Dave set up his projector and we snuggled up and watched a movie together. Everything was just so pleasant. Warmth of his company, happiness and joy filled us both right up with each others calm company. I felt like stress completely left him for the night.

We slept like the dead and when we woke, we headed to the local restaurant for breakfast. I must admit I was eager to get there because I wanted a bathroom. Thats right, we have no functional washroom. When I had to use the toilet the night before I made Dave come with me. Out came the flashlight, warmer clothes and a huge blue tub full of water. The toilet, you see, is in the side of the house that is not being worked on currently thus is not heated except some of the heat that escapes past the door. Once finished in the washroom, Dave takes the big tub of water and pours some down the toilet which then gets it to flush. Then the adventure is done. So, needless to say I wasnt to thrilled about having to use it more than when it was bare necessity.

Anyways, breakfast was wonderful and Dave seemed well rested and then it was all over. I headed back into the city to pick up the boys and Dave headed on back to the house to get back to work.

I have been so impressed with him. He is so stressed out and I see it in him so easily (as do others) but he never complains. He eagerly plays with the boys, helps me with anything I ask for and humors me in small ways but there is always something obviously hanging over his head. What needs to be done tomorrow? How long will it take? How much will it cost? These are all stresses that dont touch me because I am so far removed from that part of the house.

Soon Dave will start working again. I know this is also on his mind. Any work outside of the house brings in money but slows down the work considerably. He so badly wants us all under one roof (As we all do) but its him who has to make it happen.

My husband is an amazingly talented man. He is building us such a beautiful home full of unique things and I get so excited thinking about it all. It was so nice to treat him with a visit (it was treating me as well). I look forward to doing it again. My small action meant so much to him. I hope and pray it helps keep his outlook positive and brings him encouragement that will help him make it to the weekend when we can see each other again.

I am reminded through this whole ordeal of a conversation that I had with my Aunt Peggy. She just told me that all of this is but a breath. While we're in it we think it might never end but we must remember it is all so short. An end will come and other things will take its place. We are on this earth for but a breath. And it is that truth that helps me remember all the blessings I have.

I love you Dave and all the hard work you do for our family. You are an amazing man and I cant wait to be under the roof of that house with you for good.

Lest We Forget

Remebrance Day is a very meaningful day to me. Since I was a little girl, every year I sang with the choir I was a part of for the ceremony near the hill. We sang In Flanders Field and God save the Queen, O Canada and sometimes others as well. As I stood there, I could see the faces of our vets. Some of them too old to stand for the ceremony, others saluting with all their might. I always fought to hold back tears. The moment of silence is where I prayed. I thanked God for our troops. I prayed for the families left behind, for the troops who came home but were never the same, for the children, for the enemies... So much to pray for. So many to remember.

No one wants war. Not a single one of our troops would say they love killing and fighting, but the cause is peace. It is peace for those who dont have to leave the comforts of their homes. We get to remain comfortable while they are lacking almost everything we take for granted. Why do they fight? For their countries, for their families, for strangers who live a life of peace and wish it to continue.

This year, here in Ottawa, a group of people decided to start selling white poppies. We wear the red poppies to show we remember our troops. This group wished to fight against those who sacrifice their lives for us and tell others we should not fight but be peaceful. How exactly can we have peace without our troops??? I was so saddned by this movement. It reminded me of people who tried to deny the Holocaust. No respect to those who fell or those who try to protect our Country.

More than ever, I wanted to take my boys down to the Cenotaph to be part of the ceremony. I want to teach them the sacrifice that is made for us. The meaning of this day of remembrance and how important it is. And so that is what we did.

Downtown was a zoo and it made me so glad. So many people showing their support. Matty was tired and unsure of his surroundings but once things got started he was interested. He loved the canons pounding and he was absolutely amazed at the fighter planes that flew overhead (really low).

This is a face of absolute amazement. No fear here.

We heard the choir sing, we heard the trumpet sound and the commands given to the forces present. I witnessed tears on the part of some and faught back my own once more. As much as I wanted to take my poppy and place it on the tomb of the unknown soldier, it was not possible since Levi was no longer willing to be happy. Off we went from the crowds to head home. Before we got too far, however, I had our picture taken to commemorate our first time at the ceremony.

Did my boys understand any of it? No! I do believe, however, that it was meaningful and that if we continue to do it, they will grow to see the importance of it and not just go for the guns. This was Matty's desire the whole time. "Guns Mommy? Guns?"

May we always remember, lest we forget!

Another Year

Yesterday was my 27th birthday. When I think of that number I initially want to cringe at how big the number is getting but then a beauty washes over me: God has blessed me with this many years. What a beautiful gift. Every number, as it grows larger, is another undeserved gift from God. I am thankful to be 27 and I look forward to seeing those numbers get bigger and bigger.

The day started so beautifully and it just continued to be that way all day.

I woke up to my husband taking care of both the boys. He was changing them and getting them ready. I was able to have a nice shower without worrying about the boys location and then Dave took us out to breakfast. Oh how I love Coras (a fantastic breakfast restaurant full of crepes and waffles, omlettes and so many other wonderful things). I thought I would indulge in something sweet and chocolatey but instead I found this fantastic crepe omellet full of veggies and it was the greatest breakfast. Yumm!!!

We then went to buy a mailbox for our house. Nothing fancy but it is new and Dave added our names to it. After that I had to go do a bit of paperwork (my health card and drivers license expired on my birthday so I had to go to city hall to renew them both). Dave dropped the boys and I off with the stroller and we proceeded to get that done. While there I found out I could do both pieces of id there and not go to another place for the license so that was so great. Then, when it was done, we hit the bathroom where Matty surprised me by asking to go on the potty and he actually pooped on a strange, big toilet.

We had a wonderful walk home and then headed to Grammies house where my mom was going to watch the boys so I could go meet my sister at IKEA.

It was a nice outing where I was treated to Starbucks and just got to look around without worrying about my boys loosing it. Then I hit the grocery store before heading back for my birthday dinner.

My sister and mom made me Chicken Cord en Bleu which was absolutely amazing. I wanted to just eat and eat but my tummy doesnt let me eat as much as I used to. Oh so good. Then Mocha cheese cake compliments of Jo. So good. I enjoyed indulging and only really paid for it shortly after breakfast. Dinner and cake didn't bother me much at all which was nice.

It was a wonderful birthday and guess what! the day also marked my6 loss of 20 lbs. Thats right. I have now come down to 157. When I think back I believe I was 155 when I found out I was pregnant with Matty. It goes to show that my thyroid really did start stowing fat on me before babies... I just didnt know it. My normal body weight is likely somewhere in the 130's. 20lbs down, 20 more to go.

Thanks to all who gave a call or e-mailed me wishes. It was a wonderful day.

Perseverance Pays

Pregnancy has been very unkind to my body. There are so many women who can carry their babies and simply put on 20 lbs and look amazing even with a full term belly. I, however, am not one of those ladies.

Pregnant with Matthew, I weight about 214 before he came. With Levi I was up to 220. Now, In the end I did gain less with Levi but the pit fall is that I never lost enough weight before I got pregnant again. And with bad eating habbits and extreme fatigue... well the scale numbers dont seem to suggest there is much hope for small numbers.

After having a chat with my sister, we decided to make a plan (3 weeks ago-we begin week 4 today). We decided to be extreme and cut back on sugar completely and really cut back on breads and pastas since they seem to be one of the worst foods for our bodies.

I started this challenge weighing 176lbs. And the weight began to come off pretty quickly. At one point I sat at 169 but refused to let myself get discouraged. Its a good thing when the body adjusts to a weight loss before losing more.

Yesterday and this morning I was 165! This is still a huge number for me but its coming off. I am eating well and still cheat by having Starbucks but I usually have to walk for it to get it.

Today I went on a walk with the boys and when I got home I still had energy. I chased Matty around the yard and felt so happy and light hearted... I think the 11 pounds I have lost have been enough to raise my energy level and my joy.

I know it sounds odd, or maybe it doesnt, but it seems like changing my eating has brought me out of depression. Today was and is such a good day. I dont know if I have felt this normal since before Matty was born.

I have learned with my diet changes that I think I might have an intolerance to gluten or some kind. Having not had much of it for 3 weeks, I sat down and had a small serving of whole wheat pasta with my parents and within a few hours I felt horrible. My stomach was killing me all evening until I fell asleep. It happened another day too when I cheated and had a tiny serving of kraft dinner (really crappy, I know. Yet who can relaly say no?). I was sick about an hour later.

Anyways, I'm happy, healthy and motivated to keeping working hard at this diet. With a walk everyday the pounds come off a little faster and I feel happier having been out. I pray I can continue in this way and be disciplined. Today and yesterday I have been desperate for a cookie or chocolate but so far I have resisted. Usually trail mix or some yogurt helps the craving pass.

11 lbs down, about 20 more to go before I even think to getting to my normal weight or 135. I CAN DO IT!!!

Dearest Sister

You are a beautiful woman.

You pulled me out of a pit that was deeper than I feel I have ever been in. You have brought light into my world of despair and ugliness. You've spoken honestly to me and given of yourself, thinking only of what would make me happy.

Thank you for giving and giving and giving. Thank you for loving me even in my ugliness. Thank you for showering me with encouragment (6 lbs gone in 5 days!!!) and blessing my family with your presence.

The cuddles and love you show your little ones is no different than what you shower on me and my family. I am so blessed that I am an extension of your family and that I am given those cuddles from your heart.

I dont know how I can ever show you or express to you how much your love and caring means to me. Hopefully I will be able to bless you and your family the way you have me.

Thank you! I love you!

Being Home

Its always been a bit of a struggle for me to be at home. By that I mean, I love to get out and about. I like to go visiting and waste my days doing anything but spending time in my home. It would explain why so often my house is not looking the greatest and why our toys remain interesting to Matty.

This past week, however, we have been home on purpose. Both boys were struggling to stay in routine. They weren't napping regularily and they were growing more and more grumpy. I finally realized that I needed to work on helping them.

I stopped visiting others everyday and instead we have stayed home and played and just lived. Amazing the things I've accomplished.

The other day I moved all the appliances and and cleaned under them (Ive lived here for almost 4 years and never once done this). I organized and rearranged Matty's room. He can no longer pull open the dresser drawers and throw all of his clothes all over the place from his crib. I removed all the clothes that no longer fit him and now his drawers close quite easily. I vacuumed our bedroom (it takes forever to do this due to sleeping times and mess all over the room) and hung and folded and put away several loads of laundry. Ive cleaned up the living room two times everyday (it seems pointless but it makes those few hours so much more enjoyable) and Ive kept on top of the dishes.

With all of this, I have still managed to a have a bit of time for me. I sit down after my accomplishments and have a drink and read or watch Gilmore Girls (my guilty pleasure these days) and I have found that after finishing so many things, this little break is so much more enjoyable.

Now, I still feel unrest and want out of my house. This week I have wanted to escape everyday but one. However, circumstances have made it impossible to leave. And it's good. Do you ever have those morning where you just wake up thinking you are not going to be able to make it through the day without someone elses help? I had one of those on Tuesday and I couldnt find anyone to come over. So I braced myself and started my day. Both boys were fantastic the whole day through. I was so pleasantly surprised.

Im learning in small doses how to be home alone with my children. I am so quick to want to find distractions for them so I have less work to do (its sounds so selfish but true) and there is nothing wrong with it but I think our life was a little bit too distracted.

Home has been good for us and I look forward to when home is also in a place that I find beautiful.

Frumpzilla

Here is a description of me since... well a very long time.

Im the lady who:
*is excited about jogging pants
*showers every other day but usually only sometime on the third day since I cant seem to find time
* has gained all her breastfeeding weight loss back and then some
*fears the scale
*has long hair and throws is back in a messy lump somwhere on her head EVERYDAY
*rarely wears makeup because whats the point?
*has two pairs of summer capris that fit and they happen to be excersize pants (terribly unflattering)
* has few t-shirts that actually fit and look any good
* is sneezing to death - I swear it will kill me. I think I might sneeze away all my brian cells and then forget how to feed and take care of myself - oh wait, Im already there.
* has huge black bags under her eyes no matter how much sleep I get.

I have become, as I titled above, a frumpzilla. I have let myself fall apart. Its the downward spiral that I always thought I would be able to pull myself out of. I feel icky so I eat badly and I eat badly because I feel wretched and fixing the diet wont help unless my body feels better so I have to excersize but I am so tired that getting out of bed is a trial and a half. I cant work out any other time of the day because there is always a little one needing me or sleeping and since the wall for the shower shares a wall with the sleeping child I cant shower when asleep or trust said child when awake... delema.

I finally gave up feeling sorry for myself, however. I have decided to start turning a new leaf ( I say start turning it because I know it will take time and LOTS of effort). I have set my phone alarm to 6 am every morning so that I can wake up, do my work out, devotions and shower all before the boys wake up. This is tricky. The first day I woke up, Levi woke up at the same time so I fed him, he promptly projectiled everything back at me ( I was soaked) I put him back to bed and was so frustrated that I was about to go back to sleep. Dave, however, told me to get out and excersize (way more gently than that though) and so I did.

My delema is that when I wake up the boys normally wake up and that means they will need to eat and need new diapers and some attention. I am the one who tends to do that for them (with Levi I am the only one who can do that at the moment- the feeding part) and so I feel a little stressed that they might wake up and what if... So I told Dave my plan and he said he was on board. I will wake up in good time, excersize, shower and get ready for the day and he will be on duty. So, I have one hour. From 6 until 7 Dave will be on kid duty. If Levi wakes up he will prepare him a bottle of formula. If Matty wakes up, he will get him breakfast and keep him away from Mommy while she is sweaty and busy. If they sleep, Daddy sleeps too. Then, by 7 I should be ready for the day and even have my makeup somewhat done and Daddy is free to go to work.

I am excited. It isnt the excitement the makes getting out of bed any easier but knowing that I am working at pulling myself out of the black hole of self pity and away from the road of obeasity will eventually just be my lifestyle. Waking up by an alarm instead of one of my sons wont have to be a depressing sound but rather one of excitement (my alone time). I no longer have the excuse of not being able to find time to make myself a better person. I have an hour every morning which is plenty. And with these physical improvements comes the mental ones and that is the part in which I find the most joy and excitement.

So everyone, hold me accountable. Give me an ear full if in a week/month/half a year I am whining and telling you all I just dont have time to be human. If I am disciplined, there is time.

Peace

Vision one: Matty is in his bed, asleep. I check on him but I see blood. It is everywhere. He is no longer sleeping but he is dead. I didnt notice and now it is too late. I call 911 but there is nothing left. No hope of saving his precious life. It is all my fault. He shouldn't have gone to bed with the ballon on a stick in his room.

Vision two: Levi is playin in his excersaucer. He is happy then it goes silent. Matty is playing happily. I walk in to the livingroom from the adjoining room and Levi is passed out, chocked on a marble. He is dead. 911. No hope. Why didnt I clean up the marbles better?

Vision three: Same as above but Matty is the one who chokes in his bed.

Vision four: Someone has broken into my house without me noticing and stollen my babies out from under my nose. How didnt I notice.

This is my mind these days. I am still awake when all of these visions present themselves. I am unable to feel any peace. I constantly feel like I must chek on my little ones to make sure they are still with me.

I am not an anxious person and yet these are my thoughts. Where do they come from? I honestly dont know.

"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you." 2 Thess. 3:16

" You will keep in perfect peace him whosemind is steadfast, becasue he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts" Colossians 3:15

I have been far from God. I have let my life of outtings, cleaning, cooking and child rearing be an excuse to not have time for God. Is there any wonder why I dont have peace? I have not been relying on the source of peace.

Forgive me Lord. Fill me with your peace and remove these horrible visions.

I just want to cry. The thought of losing one of my babies... terrifying. I know they are gifts to me that I am to care for but they dont belong to me. I remind myself that fearing for them wont help. Teach them, guide them in the way they should go, make the best choices you can in the moment. But I can't live a life of fear and worry.

My own lack of obedience to God is what is causing my lack of peace. Not being in his word and dwelling on His commands and talking to him through out the day keeps me from being with Him and He is my peace.

It is so easy to run away with our lives and forget who it is who has given it to us. Again Lord, forgive me. Teach me to be every more obedient and fill me with your peace.

******
It Is Well With My Soul

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Adjusting

Getting used to having two sons instead of just one was a really hard adjustment for me. I am sure you all know that already from the many discouraged posts I wrote. Thankfully, however, the chaos of it all does calm down.

Levi is now two and a half months and I feel like I have a routine. When I am at home I feel as though I can handle it all. Some days are easier than others but at home it always works out ok.

Going out? That's another story. I do it and have success but it doesnt normally work as well as it used to. Matty used to sleep in his carseat and was always happy to be out. Levi prefers to be held and doesnt stay asleep long if he isnt on his tummy in his bed. I have managed to get groceries done with only a few dirty looks (Why is her baby making so much noise?) and have even gone to a coffee shop. I will never do that again. I did it once...unless Matthew is tied to a chair and Levi is asleep... what chaos! Three different times Matthew pulled down cups and coffee bags from the display and twice he ran into the kitchen that is off limits for people who dont work there. I think the staff were thrilled to see us leave.

Leaving the house used to be a type of sanctuary for me. If Matty was cranky I knew we could go for a walk in the stroller or go shopping or something and all would be peaceful. Now, if it is a rough day, it stays that way because leaving the house only makes one of them unhappy and the other impossible to manage.

I may be complaining a bit but really, all of this is a good thing. Soon enough I will live out in the country where it will be harder for me to just get out all the time. I will have a bigger area to manage and likely two handfuls to keep my eyes on. I never used to concider myself a homebody but I think that having more than one child is working on me. Teaching me to be content in the home and to find things to do that dont require packing up a million and one things before I get in the car to go anywhere. I never thought I would say this, but I almost dread going anywhere with the two boys. Just give me one and I am sure I can manage. But both?

Life has come back to a place of equilibrium for me. I am loving having two boys. I love figuring out how to care for them well and how to make time for each of them. And I am really excited that I see myself getting into the habbit of getting things done when I have the time thus having less to do in one big clean. A while ago I found myself in a place of dispare, truely believing that I wasnt able to cope. Its amazing that in such a short time I have turned a complete 180 and now find the world a much brighter place with many enjoyable things for me to do with my little family of men.

I do have to say one huge thank you to Monkeywear.
This product saves my life many times over. Its a long piece of fabric that you wrap in certain ways and you can carry your baby with you. No hands needed. Levi will fall asleep in it and will watch the world pass by when he's awake in complete silence. When he wakes up screaming in the grocery store because he hates his carseat, I take him out, plop him in the wrap and within a few minutes he is happy again. CLose to me and either sleeping or able to look around.

My Week At A Glance

Sunday: Feeling like I was almost 100%. Took my last antibiotic and used my topical cream for the last time. I started planning all the things that I oculd begin to work back into my normality.

Monday: Itch started to return but I kept busy, trying to get on top of the house. Woke up EARLY in the morning in crazy itch. Wanted to scream with frustration.

Tuesday: Visited a friend and her kids. Started usuing my topical cream again and treated myself for a yeast infection (just in case). Called the doctor and made an appointment for Friday which I could cancel if conditions got better.

Wednesday: No improvement but no worsening. Visited my mom and got groceries done.

Thursday: Visit from a friend for the day. Chopped off some of my finger and toyed with the idea of going to emerg. for hours. The bleeding was heavy and when it finally stopped and I wanted to change the dressing, it was stuck to the dressing and once unstuck, it bled just as badly as before.

Friday: visited the doctor. They said there was nothing to do about the itch and that it would just heal. Just keep using the cream. If I werent breastfeeding they could give me something to clear it up in 24 hours... tempting I must say. Not a yeat infection though (apparently). tetnus shot in the shoulder, blood taken for a few routine checks for my thyroid and a look at my finger and a new dressing that would not be adhesive (thank you so mych nuse Nick).

Saturday: Went out in the morning after a nice sleep in with the wholoe family. We saw the St. Patricks Day parade in spite of the VERY strong wind. We had a coffee and breakfast sandwhich before we saw it. It was a beautiful morning as a family. A much needed time for me. Itching is still quite present and at times is a struggle to not scratch. May I ask, WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON????

Waiting for the Parade to begin

Me with a Levi attatched, standing in the wind watching.

Town crier: "hear ye! hear ye! the St. Patrick's Day parade is about to begin!"

No More Than I Can Handle

This past month I have had several days where I had to ask God if He realized He was giving me more than I could handle. I felt as though there was some sort of mistake because I just couldnt do it. He promised He wouldnt ever give me more than I could handle and here I was in the midst of something I truely believed I couldnt handle.

Yesterday, at church, I was met first by a beloved friend in the parking lot who quickly pulled out a meal for me and said she had heard I had a rough week and thought a meal would help me out. The gesture alone was enough to make me feel stronger (thank you Jane). Then I ran into someone else who was checking up on me via my mom. She mentionned she was still praying for me (thank you Heather).

I was in the nursary for the morning and I was down there with another beautiful, godly woman and, although I dont know her too well, she was quick to take a screaming Levi and pace around the nursary with him and then offer to come over any evening if Dave and I needed to sleep and she would pace with the screaming boy (thank you Judith).

It wasnt until the evening when I was exchanigng words with a friend and we spoke about how we have felt that we were being given more than we could handle and yet, were handling it since we were still here. Than it hit me. I CANT handle it but God has put some many amazing people in my life that when I cant do it any longer, there is someone I can call and they will be there to help.

I honestly dont know what people do without a church family. People I barely know are offering to cook for me, care for my children, give me a rest, pray for me, love me... Not everyone is so blessed. Thank you all of my brothers and sisters for the amazing support. I think Im beginning to get my sea legs and things are starting to get easier. Only because of all of you who have been my support. God bless you all.