Saturday, December 26, 2015

A Future Lost

I started writing to my baby the moment I found out. I began a list of names (all boys because we all know the chances are slim for any other sex) and began to think of sleeping arrangements. I looked into buying a new bassinet and the cost of renting newborn cloth diapers. My heart was racing with joy and excitement for the day 9 months in the future when I would meet my newest little one.

I never thought that day would disappear. That the Lord would choose to take that precious life to himself before I had a chance to even feel that life within me. A hole was ripped into my life by the loss of a life that I never met. Leaving in its wake a dark pit of fear and uncertainty.

No one can really prepare you for the sorrow a miscarriage brings. A friend of mine described the need for support being like a woman who has just had a newborn baby but also lost a family member. In one fell swoop, you are mourning the loss of a life you were planning for while still having to pass that life from within you.

I prayed against the loss of life but it was taken. I prayed for a safe passing of the baby but was hospitalized and required surgery. My prayers were not answered the way I had desired but I know it was all His good and perfect will. I may never understand exactly why these things happened but I do know that God knows.

I look around and see all the blessings God has bestowed on us. 4 healthy and happy boys, a warm home, a loving husband and a supportive family (both blood and church). He has been so good and will continue to be good to us. Even in the terror of the loss, he got me to the hospital before it was too late. He spared my life instead of taking it as well.

I am left confused and scared. The terror of what I went through leaves me wondering if it is safe for me to have another child. Will my life be taken from me instead of spared like it was this time? Will it happen all over again? Was this Gods way of showing me I should be pleased with my family of 6?

I know all of these thoughts are from me wanting to be in control of what happens. I need to relinquish it to God. He is the one who holds all things together and breathes life into us. The worries just keep coming back. I don't know when the sorrow will fade. I know it will never be gone. My child was lost and will never be forgotten but God will also bring joy. He heals and brings comfort.

I have hope that one day I will be able to meet this little one in heaven. Until then I have 4 beautiful lives to care for here on earth. I have taken the letters to this baby and put them away. I have collected the sorry cards and tucked them away to help heal my heart but the memory will haunt me for some time.

I praise God that I have very little time to sit and think of my loss and instead and surrounded by many joyful noises.

3 comments:

Betty said...

Kate, I completely understand and am so so sorry you have to experience this loss. It is a deep ache. If you haven't heard it yet, listen to Sara Groves' songs "like a lake" and "enough." I am praying for you in this "stretch of sorrow."

Karin Foster said...

Love you Kate. Praying for you daily.

Grace said...

Love you Kate.