Monday, February 29, 2016

Dark Hours

No one can love like a mother.

I'm still awake at 3:30 am; eyes swollen half shut due to crying because it finally sank in. All the things that I will never have again.

I went to bed in utter exhaustion and the moment I tried to sleep I started to cry. I can't make the tears stop.

I want to call her up. I want to hear her talk to me. I want her to hug me. I want to hear that one day it will all be okay. That it will get better.

It wont. The pain will cease to be as sharp. The tears will dry. But I still wont have my mom. There is no replacement. No one else will fill her role. I can't expect someone to. Who can love me the way I love my children? That one relationship is gone. Lost to me for the rest of this life.

Where I am right now, there is no comfort. I'm not talking eternally. I'm talking about right now. During the rest of my life on this earth. No one can be my mother. And no matter what anyone says, a girl will always wish to have her mom. No matter how old she gets.

The other day I was walking down the street and passed one of my moms favourite stores. I wanted to cry just seeing it. I walked by and managed to stay strong. The way back was a different story. I stopped and had a real dilemma right in front of the store. Part of me couldn't gather the courage to go in the front door. The other part wanted to rush in and buy the prettiest thing I could find. For what? Her honor? A memory? None of it makes any sense. One lone tear escaped my right eye as I forced myself to keep walking by.

Up until tonight I have kept myself grounded. Collecting my emotions for private release, having a quick cry and moving on. Tonight I just can't keep it controlled. My sorrow has won tonight. In so many ways it is welcomed. In a few short hours my grief will have to be gathered up and stored away so I can be the mom my boys need to be.

Right now I need to cry over the fact that my mom isn't nestled into her bed, getting ready to wake with the sun and be the mom I need her to be. She has done her job and is at rest.

I have my memories. But for now they are too painful. Just a reminder of the amazing lady we've all lost.


Jan said...

Dear Kate,

I'm so so sorry for your loss of your mom. My heart aches for you. Thank you for sharing your grief. I'm sitting here crying after reading this post, grieving with you. Know that, from afar, you are being upheld in prayer. May our God of all comfort sustain you by his grace.


Karin Foster said...

I'm glad you are writing and sharing

praying and weeping with you,

Betty said...

Praying and praying

Grace said...

Oh Kate. I didn't realize you have continued to blog until today. I am catching up.

Love you and pray for you every day.