Friday, March 11, 2016

Icy Indifference

There have been very few tears this week. As I sat down to try and assess why that was so, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'm hardened!

I feel as though I have grown a metal skin that is used to cover away all my sorrow and keep it from coming out lest it should rust. I didn't do it on purpose. I only just came to this realization an hour ago.

Some people get angry as part of the grief. I have no reason for anger. Instead, I've simply become a statue. A semblance of Katie walks and talks and eats but doesn't seem to allow feeling very far. My visits with people feel selfish because I am just thankful for their distractions. My brain is a fog and can't seem to offer any clear advice or conversation.

I know it wont last. I feel the ebbing pain surfacing as I type. I just thought it odd as I reflected that this was what I found. An icy surface "protecting" the soft and tender, hurting heart inside.

As the ice outside melts in my backyard and floods the yard, so this hardness will melt away and bring more tears to release the ache inside. New life will bud and grow and warmth will once  again reign. Until then, I admit I have enjoyed the tear free week. Just not the ache that seems to build instead.

1 comment:

The Matriarch said...

Thank-you for sharing that, Kate. You are one with Christ and he will restore your heart in due time - a 'reconfigured' heart, but a soft and feeling one.

Love, AuntieB